the power of human emotion

I won't be dressing up for Halloween this year. It will be the first year (I think ever) that I havn't done so. This is very disapointing, but there has just so much on my mind that I havn't had any time to prepare or the forethought to make any plans . I did have an idea for a costume, but I'll keep it secret in case I want to use it next year.

Last year was sort of anti-climactic too. I dressed up last minute as a stewardess in things I had laying around the house and went to a party where everyone's costumes were even lamer than my own. I'll stick some photos at the end. The most remarkable thing is that I managed to create that much cleavage.

There have been some costumes that I have really loved and I don't have a single picture of them. Did any of you even see me the year I was a fly? I had made that gigantic head out of paper mache and the eyes were covered with sequins. I think it was Jane who sat with me and helped me glue all those fuckers on. She was finding them on the floor of her room for a year.

The most incredible Halloweens were at LaSalle. It was so much fun to dress up as a group. Lex and I made a great Woody Allen and Diane Keaton. Jeremy and I made a disgusting Courtney Love and dead Kurt. There was the year the three of us were Jesus, Mary, and the Devil. And of course we could never forget the seven deadly sins (or unfortunately the (how could our friends let us down like that) five deadly sins.

Photo Friday's topic is statement (very timely) and I was happy to see there were a good amount of political submissions there. Made this sign last night to wear around when I ride my bike and was slighly worried I wouln't have the guts to do it. It was hard not to feel self-conscious with that thing on my back, but I did it. There has been very little reaction so far, although someone did yell "IDIOT" out their car window. At least people at work got a big kick out of it, even the company republican.

They are saying that PA is one of three key states and it feels good to know that my vote really counts. That is, if they do count my vote. I will be voting in a district that is predominantly black and am curious to see if anyone will be around discouraging voting with cameras and the like.

I am going to be holding my breath Tuesday night. What do we do if our worst nightmares come true?

It seems like over the last week or two, my life has become 10 times more difficult. I have had to come clean about a lie, avoid going home, worry about where to sleep tonight, tomorrow night, and next week, toughen up and defend myself against insults to my character, tell others my troubles, and take a general leap of faith that everything is going to get better and not worse.

But in so many ways, this has made everything easier as well. I am suddenly in control of my life. My decisions are based upon what I want, not upon pleasing someone else. Suddenly, I feel confident and capable. It feels like springtime.

I am ashamed that I let myself get so encumbered by my relationship. Could things have had a happy ending if I stayed strong from the beginning? How did I let him wear me down? what warning signs did I turn a blind eye to?

I remember that every time I wanted out he would tell me that I was giving up so easily. Don't call me a quitter. I'm a hard worker. Maybe he tried harder, but only because he was trying so hard to change me.

Now, he is laying the guilt on heavy, alternately complimenting and disparaging me. And I am still a girl who wants people to be happy. And yet I have not been happy for a long time.

Tomorrow we will get a price for the house and deliberations will begin and I will wish that things didn't have to be so difficult for him. He keeps saying that I will get the freedom and he will get the burden. I will walk away with cash and little responsibility and he will be left behind with a needy house and a large debt. The thing is, though I dearly dearly feel for him, it is hard not to be selfish, not to want to walk away quickly and with a heavy purse.

I know that I have been incommunicado for almost four weeks now. You must believe me when I say it is not because of a lack of things to talk about. My life has been turned upside down and I'm currently sifting through it all deciding what to keep and what to leave behind. I want to tell you all about it, but on top of everything else, work has been intensely busy ... hope to spill my guts soon. [Jeremy- I especially want to talk to you-I feel just like an imaginary year character!]